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1. |
Prologue.Pirate Mosey
05:47
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In the beginning was the Word,
and the Word was "Arrrgh!"
Ramen!
Mosey did indeed cook a mean papyrus, and he was an artist with
the deep fryer, but he did grow tired of the long hours and mistreatment,
and one day he walked into his manager's office, threw down his
apron, and said, "I'm tired of the nine to five. I'm quitting to become a
Pirate."
Pirate Mosey really wanted that Pirate ship, and putting all labor issues
aside he declared his band to now be Pirates, and he led the Pirates
up to the top of Mount Salsa, where he thought there might be a good
chance of finding the Pirate ship he'd been searching for all these years.
But they didn't find the ship, and the people didn't know how to act like
Pirates—after all, they were really just a bunch of short-order cooks—
and the FSM came down and declared that they'd better clean up their
act, because real Pirates belonged on the open seas, not on a mountain.
And Pirate Mosey was embarrassed and wouldn't come down from the
mountain, even though the rest of his band took the FSM's advice and
went down into the town at the bottom of Mount Salsa to wait for their
captain. Finally, the FSM got completely fed up, and He visited Mosey
on the mountaintop and told him where to find the sea, and, after admitting
that it had been a long haul since Creation and that maybe He'd
even rethink some of His decisions if He had it to do all over again, He
gave Pirate Mosey some advice, which came in the form of ten stone
tablets. These tablets Mosey called "Commandments" (since he had a
healthy sense of drama)—although the short-order cooks grew confused
and misnamed them the "Condiments"—but because of the
phrasing, the FSM refers to them as the "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts."
Unfortunately, Mosey dropped two of them on the way down the
mountain, which partly accounts for Pastafarians' flimsy moral standards
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2. |
Condiment 1
03:26
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I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious,
holier-thanThou ass when describing my Noodly Goodness.
If some people don't believe in me, that's okay.
Really, I'm not that vain.
Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.
In our world people always have a choice
Republican or Democrat
McDonald's or Burger King
Target or Wal-Mart
Coke or Pepsi
The Benevolent Lord Our Savior
or Everlasting Damnation in Hellfire
to be or not to be
to see or not to see
to smile or not to smile
to cry or not to cry
to love or not to love
to feel or not to feel
to fly or not to fly
to die or not to die
For what are people without
choices? Communists!
they are communists
the people without choice are communists
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3. |
Condiment 2
03:00
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I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress,
subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean toothers.
I don't require sacrifices and purity is for drinking water, not people
science tells us that the
universe itself is composed of
nothing more than an enormous matrix of strings,
vibrating to their own Noodly music,
forming a single, unified, coherent framework of invisible spaghetti.
In short, it's all one eternal bowl of pasta.
The universe is one eternal bowl of pasta
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4. |
Condiment 3
03:47
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I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look,
or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay?
Oh, and get this in your thick heads:
woman = person. Man = person.Samey-Samey.
One is not better than the other,
unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry,
but I gave that to women
and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
we don't think that we're absolutely right about everything.
Only assholes think that way.
Pastafarians are not assholes.
We simply deliver His Word
and let the people decide.
Anyone can be a member,
no matter their age,
no matter their race
no matter their background
or even their religious affiliation.
Try us for thirty days
and if you don't like us,
your God will most likely take you back.
Pastafarians are not assholes.
We simply deliver His Word
Try us for thirty days
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5. |
Condiment 4
03:33
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I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself,
or your willing, consenting partner of legal age and mental maturity.
As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go F*** Yourself,
unless they find that offensive
in which case they can turn off the TV for once
and go for a walk for a change.
turn off TV for once
and go for a walk for a change
take it easy
try to find some sun
it's Friday
the holiest of the pastafarian holidays
and it takes place each week
take it easy
try to find some sun
We keep Fridays with the utmost of piety
to honor His Noodly Appendage
Let's be his way of heaven
Let's be the Beer Volcano
Let's be the Stripper Factory
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6. |
Palimpsest
06:09
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evolutionists сontend that flightless birds—for example,
the kiwi bird of New Zealand
never developed the ability to fly.
The old argument goes that, having no natural predators in their area,
there was never a reason to evolve the ability.
While I'll agree that I've never seen a kiwi bird fly,
I disagree with the statement that they can't fly.
How do we know?
Couldn't it just be that they choose not to?
You'll never see me running, but there's a good chance I could.
Kiwi birds are well known to be one of nature's laziest animals.
I contend,then, that they can fly, but simply lack the proper motivation.
you've never seen the flight of a kiwi-bird
you've never seen me running
you've never seen me fly
but there's a good chance I could run
we've never seen the flight of a kiwi-bird
we've never seen you running
Take gravity, for example: the force of attraction between massive
particles. We know a great deal about the properties of gravity,
yet we know nothing about the cause of the force itself.
If we review the literature,
we find a lot of material dealing with the properties of gravity,
but very little dealing with the underlying cause of this attraction.
Until we have a proven answer to this question,
it seems irresponsible to instruct students in what is, ultimately,just a theory.
However, if we must discuss the theory of gravity at all,
then it's reasonable that all suggested theories should be given
equal time, since none have been proven or disproven.
Therefore, I formally submit that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is behind this strange and often misunderstood force.
What if it is He, pushing us down with His Noodly Appendages,
that causes this force?
He is invisible, remember, and is undetectable by current instruments,
so in theory it is possible.
And the fact that the gravitational powers of the Spaghetti Monster haven't been disproven makes it all the more likely to be true.
We can only guess as to His motives,
but it's logical to assume that if He is going to such trouble,
there is a good reason.
It could be that He doesn't want us floating off earth into space,
or maybe just that He enjoys touching us—we may never know.
the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the cause of gravity
He, pushing us down with His Noodly Appendages
doesn't want us floating off earth into space,
or maybe just that He enjoys touching us
we may never know.
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7. |
Condiment 5
03:58
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I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist,
Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach.
Eat, Then Go After The B******.
Now you shall cook the sauce until the fourteenth day of the same month.
And you shall take some of the sauce and smear it on your doorpost.
Then you shall pour the remainder of the sauce over a heaping
bowl of the pasta of your choosing,
and you shall eat all of it.
We shall eat it all
With a belt at your waist, a patch over your eye, and a cutlass in your hand,
you shall eat the pasta.
the sauce on your door will mark you as Pirates!'
we shall eat the pasta
we shall eat it all
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8. |
Condiment 6
04:14
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I'd really rather you didn't build multimillion-dollar
churches/temples/mosques/shrines to My Noodly Goodness
when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
A. Ending poverty
B. Curing diseases
C. Living in peace, loving with passion,
and loweringThe cost of cable
I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being,
but I enjoy the simple things in life.
I ought to Know. I AM The Creator.
Can the Flying Spaghetti Monster create a stone that he himself cannot lift?
The Flying Spaghetti Monster is not as stupid as to create stones...
He would choose to create the Platypus
Platypus. What could be more beautiful than a platypus!
look at this wonderful creature
a real miracle of nature
it's creator either had a perfect sense of humor
or he just had drunk a lot
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9. |
Condiment 7
03:08
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I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you.
You're not that interesting.
Get over yourself.
And I told you to love your fellow man,
Can't You take a hint?
Flying Spaghetti Monster -
almighty, omnipresent, invisible
the first word was arrrgh
and the next word was pasta
Flying Spaghetti Monster -
guiding, supporting, full of love
His Eternal Noodliness.
the second word was pasta
pastafarians are full of condiments
What do we stand for?
• All that is good.
What are we against?
• All that isn't good.
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10. |
Condiment 8
03:23
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I'd really rather you didn't do unto others
as you would have them do unto you if you are into,
um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas.
If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4),
then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a condom!
Honestly, it's a piece of rubber.
If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it
I would have added spikes, or something.
RAmen.
The FSM believers reject dogma.
Our rejection of dogma is so strong
that we leave open the possibility
that there is no Flying Spaghetti Monster at all.
All we ask is proof of His nonexistence.
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11. |
The Holy Noodle
04:28
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The Flying Spaghetti Monster is a being that has every perfection.
Existence is a perfection.
Therefore, the Flying Spaghetti Monster exists.
You don't need a reason to enjoy spaghetti.
Everything has a cause.
Nothing can cause itself.
Everything is caused by another thing.
A causal chain cannot be of infinite length.
There must be a first cause.
The first cause had no cause.
Spaghetti is the only thing that can have no cause, thus must be the first
cause.
pasta was the first cause
Having now perused the many facets of Pastafarianism,
I believe there is great scope for women in this religion.
Clearly the FSM has aspects of both male and female,
with both 'Noodly Appendages' and two round meatballs,
which clearly represent the breasts of the Great Mother Goddess.
we really want to feel Noodly Appendages
we really want to feel two round meatballs
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12. |
Apocrypha
14:51
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Someone has described
religious warfare as "killing people over who has
the best invisible friend."
We tend to agree.
People can't seem to decide on the simple things,
like which holy book to follow,
jibbering about which god to worship ,
jabbering about which ancient prophet's cousin to support .
It's a mess
and still zero books have been written to poke holes in the theory
of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
All this we take as evidence that FSMism is probably true.
I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians.
Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
Christianity appears to be the Rambo of religions, with the Crusades,
the Inquisition, various bloody rebellions, the Conquistadors . . . the list
seems nearly endless.
Suffice it to say that when Jesus Christ stated, in
his bewitching and Yoda-like manner,
"But those enemies, which would not that I should reign over them,
bring hither, and slay them before me,"
people took him pretty literally.
pastapharians are not asshols
the FSMism is probably true.
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ZGA Saint Petersburg, Russian Federation
The experimental Russian band ZGA was founded in 1984. The leader of the band Nick Sudnick explores the limits of sound using the elements of noise, industrial, avant-rock, traditional and classical music. He developed the unique sound objects called zgamoniums. His latest visionary project "24 Rush Hours" represents a series of operas and this massive piece of work is still in progress. ... more
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